Our bodies, ourselves Issue #25

We asked leading women in the sex industry how their work affects their personal lives

By Venus Zine Staff
Published: September 1st, 2005 | 3:45pm

Candida Royalle
erotic filmmaker, lecturer, author, ex-porn star

I always say the amazing thing about being in the adult industry for a woman is that while literally millions of people who rent and buy adult movies ogle the women who perform in them, they continue to judge and often condemn those same women. It's part of being shamed into feeling uncomfortable about our sexuality and our sexual curiosity. It's a lot easier to blame the bad girl on screen for those naughty feelings we're not supposed to be having.

I have coped well with having been both in front of and behind the camera due to my introspective nature and the time I spent working with a brilliant therapist to make sure I was OK with my controversial choices in life. It's inevitable for a woman in our culture not to have some ambivalence about committing one of the biggest taboos for a woman: performing sexually for others to view. Judging by some of the earlier media response I received when I first started out, the only thing worse than a pornographer is a "female pornographer."! A woman must be willing to confront her own choices and the fact that there are people who will always condemn her if she wants to do something like this without emotionally "paying" for it in the end.

I have always run in circles of artists, musicians, writers — people who are individualistic types. I have had very loving men who were open-minded, hip, and saw me and loved me for who I am. I don't date men who date Candida Royalle. I sniff them out immediately and hold my affections and my love for those who love all aspects of me, including the Royalle persona I have created. And as for my friends, they are hip and sophisticated and have always gotten a kick out of what I do. Family? My parents, now deceased, were shocked when they first learned of my clandestine life as a porn star. But ultimately they declared their love for me and respected what I created in terms of my production company and the business woman I became.

Michelle L’Amour
burlesque dancer, Miss Exotic World 2005
michellelamour.com

Everything with my fiancé, Frankie, is great because we do this together. However, my family hates it and they think that I’m giving lap dances in a club. They don’t get it at all. It all blew up in my face when an article came out in the Chicago Sun-Times about me teaching burlesque classes. My family said, “You’re teaching a sex shop! What are you doing?” Then they went online and saw pictures of me. They’re born-again Christians, which was how I was raised. So, the bible came out and the scriptures were read to me. So, basically, I’m not in the family anymore.

Also, I teach traditional dance to teenage kids in the Chicago suburbs. When articles come out about me and some of the moms see it, they’re like, “What the heck?” Some of the parents have spoken with the owners, so I have to really be careful. A lot of stuff goes on in my life that I just can’t let on about.

Debby Herbenick
Time Out Chicago sex columnist
timeouthicago.com

Working in the field of sexuality as a researcher, educator, and columnist has enhanced my life and relationships enormously. Growing up, my family never talked about sex. Now that I study sex, it’s helped me to talk with my family about something we used to avoid, so we’re closer in areas that used to have distance.

Many friends, readers, strangers on planes, and students have asked me for information about sexuality and it’s satisfying to be able to help them — and heartening to be trusted that much. I’m not afraid of sex or hung up on performance. I see the larger picture, and that’s an important part of love. I’m conscious of how fun sex can be, and I think people sometimes forget that in the midst of the problems, secrecy, and shame.

Sex can be magical. Some say that the closest they’ve felt to their partner, the universe, or God is through sexuality. I get to study, research, teach, and write about this stuff every day. I’m incredibly lucky.

Jennifer Grant
online sex-shop owner
ilovexor.com

Most people are cool about it, and I've made lots of wonderful friends in this industry. The work I do is fulfilling, not to mention really fun. I get to help people have orgasms. I would not trade my job for anything.

There is still a stigma attached to being in the adult [industry], though. I get strange reactions. Lots of people assume that because I sell sex toys, I sell myself on the side. It’s unnerving to be constantly propositioned when that’s not your line of work. Then there are the people who get all quiet and say, “Really? Sex toys. That must be interesting.” Then they change the subject.

My family is generally very supportive. My mother would probably be happier if I did something else, but she tries to understand. My brothers recommend my store to their friends.

When I started in the industry, my boyfriend at the time loved being the guinea pig for all the new products, but we had problems that toys couldn’t solve. Now that I'm single again, dating is weird. I used to tell everybody, “I sell vibrators!” I was really enthusiastic. Then I realized that although I’m proud of what I do, a lot of women find it embarrassing, and a lot of men act inappropriately when they find out. Sometimes it’s better to keep your mouth shut.

I deal with sex every day, in a work environment. For me personally, healthy sexuality means being able to step away from things. For a while, my life was all about sex, and I started getting jaded. There is such a thing as too much. I’ve made a conscious effort to separate my career and my personal life and things are more balanced now.

Annie Sprinkle
author, artist, ex-porn star, educator
anniesprinkle.org

What I do has affected my life over the years in different ways. Ultimately, I think how we feel about ourselves is what matters and what we believe we deserve. As I’ve grown and changed my relationships have gotten better. My relationship now is excellent, but I’ve had some really bad ones — really dysfunctional, wacky, crazy relationships. Sometimes when I was doing a lot of prostitution, I went through phases where either it didn’t matter or that I was just tired and cranky. I didn’t want to have sex sometimes. I was a prostitute for about 20 years, off and on.

Porn has never had a bad effect on me — it was more the prostitution that was sometimes hard. Having sex with three or four guys in a day and then going home to your lover? I wanted company but not sex. Overall, I feel that if you learn and grow, you win. So I’ve always learned from the good and not-so-good experiences in the sex industry. I think that it helped me create boundaries and ultimately learn how to say no and build my self-esteem.

In the past 15 years, I’ve been in the arts world making sexually explicit materials but in an art context, which has been not in the mainstream commercial porn. I call it “alternative porn.” That has had nothing but a great effect on me. I’ve been able to travel a lot and have pride in my work.

Erika Hallqvist
director of Lust Films
lustfilms.com

My friends think it’s really cool, but my parents would rather see me as a diplomatic official in the United Nations. My lovers? Some of them get so nervous they can’t get it up when they find out that I direct porn movies. Others get so excited and crazy that they turn into Rocco Siffredi.

And then there’s my sister — a modern dancer and singer in Sweden. She says she is cool with what I do; however, the other night, we were having dinner with some friends of hers, who are posh people. Suddenly everyone starts talking about their professions, and I can see how uncomfortable and nervous my sister is becoming. My job as a porn director is completely OK with her until her friends have to find out.

But lately it seems like people just can’t get enough of talking about porn. People turn into kids and want to know every detail — you can see their eyes shining and their mouths watering. Has working in this industry affected me? I guess so. I always get sexual inspiration shooting porn scenes. Watching the actors having great sex makes me want to try on new things, push boundaries. It’s contagious.